How to Cheat in an Examination!

P.P.P.S. I was caught cheating the first time in V Grade. V grade was a transition period you see. It was the first time we wrote with pens, legally; the first time we never wore those revealing nickers in summers. We were avant gardes filled to the brim, with new ideas, new tricks.

P.P.S. Quite the roller coaster ride since you see. We're dab hands at dishonesty now. Professionals in the art of lying. Vying to attain that final frontier - to become Artistes now, at lying. That will take time, and a wife may be.

P.S. This is Pre-Script.


1.) Do a Woody Allen! "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." You won't get caught here considering what dimwits invigilate the exams (Woody Allen's invigilators were breastfed on cerebral superiority). But it won't be a piece of cake either, considering how half baked our own psycho-visions are.

2.) Never write on your goddam limbs! Amitabh Bachchan's character used this trick back in the 80's when he got his arm tattooed with Mera Baap Chor Hai (he did that only to remember de facto, the innocent child!). He suffered, that dunce, got semi-lynched and could never erase, neither the desi tattoo nor the ramifications along the journey. This is 2011! Do you think your invigilator will buy this ruse? They might be dimwits like the Adam who ate the forbidden apple, but they live in the Apple™ era.

3.) The phony guys. Objective type paper? Got an undie-friend? Phones are utopian. Text him "Questions 1-10". Phat! Bam! Comes the reply. "a c b a ...." Just a few brownies here:
a.) Keep the size of the cellphone as small as possible. Don't take that ugly LG Tablet that ugly Karan Johar uses in that ugly show of his. Remember Bipasha Basu's advertisement that ruffled sleeping tigers and rummaged through silence long time back? "I'll dance with the guy who's got the smallest!" Well! Bipasha's gotten old and ugly, changed from a cunt to a cougar, possibly a spinster in a few years (Wait! Isn't she already?), but that cellphone of hers might still be available in the dark alleys of Chor Bazaar.
b.) Invest a dime or two to get a message pack. This will not landslide your budgetary considerations. Your papa shall only get happy at the good results and throw you a gandhi in prize. Of course, boys wearing pink tees serenading around women 24/7 need not get a message pack. They've got one already; to forward shayaris and sweet dreams to their seeking-my-man-on-a-fucking-white-horse lady friends. Jeez! Horses are dead, you bitches! To the least, change it to a fucking-white-civic; you might find an audience.

4.) The Potty-way. Alright. This trick has certain prerequisites. The examination time has got to be long. You need a sunrise-to-sunset to prepare chits (Engineers, please halt for a short cut!). You need to reach the arena at least 15 minutes early. You got to drink a gallon of water before the scheduled time. The chits are to be placed SYSTEMATICALLY somewhere under the basin of the nearby toilet. Rest is self explanatory and pretty lucid. You pee and you peek! Like Hide and seek!
Corollary: Engineers have patent rights to cut short the time to prepare scraps. Search for the best xerox in town, get a micro photocopy of the holy book. This is your pocket Bible now. Don't take it inside! There's no darin' without that urine?

5.) The Graffiti Growls! Tad simple. You scribble your answers on the same desk where stuff like Rajiv♥Meena, Fuck you!, Death Metal!, We rOcK bAbY! call me - 1800-Asshole! has already been engraved in gold carats. One is proud to be born an Indian in such circumstances. Graffiti might have been born in Ancient Greece but Greece is only his biological momma. He was bred and brought up in India, in these classrooms, on the back doors of public toilets, on the seats of public transport, and the same desk on which you give your examination the next time. An efficient bluff indeed!


Rest are all desperate measures in desperate times:
6.) Audience poll. Confirm your answers. If you've reached here reading all this, you sure are one hell of lousy bastard. You sure need to confirm, amplify your answers!


7.) Han kerchiefs. The profound invention of the man whose nose never stopped running. Write with a pencil. Sneeze your way to victory.
 
8.) Look left. Look right. Be deft. Be bright. Somewhere, somehow, an answer may pop, a voice may whisper; a neighbour might help, you may get what you want, what you've always wanted. Answer to Question 5, part b.


9.) Sit dumb. Look pensive. Look sanguine. If the gods are to be kind today, somehow, you could produce bunnies out of your hat! You might write the right answer to the topic you never studied! A miracle is what everybody believes in, in an exam hall. Never have I seen an atheist writing an exam. There's so much faith, so much hope, gleaming in the eyes of those countless zombies. (A rare condition of your brain copying from your soul. Never happened to me.)


The Last Moor
10.) Everything's failed. Not one gimmick of yours worked. What should you do now? Get some peace. Get philosophical. "This is just one test of the thousands I'd be taking in my life. None of them final. None of them irrevocable." And then there shall be peace. Snap out of the hall and go grab a beer. You a kid? Snap out of the hall and go grab a bear.


P.S. This is the fucking postscript.

P.P.S. In an interview I read someplace, it's important to get smart, at the cost of your honesty. If you give an explanation to your bad pointers in college as, "My contemporaries cheated their way to better marks. I didn't cheat!", you're a reject, you're not smart, you do not know how to find a way to success. 



(The above views are not shared by the author. He's just anxious today at an exam gone awry.)